The Twelfth Ten: People Who Would Make Interesting Presidents

Kevin Smith
I'm a huge fan of the idea of having a smart ass who is quick on his feet in the Oval Office.  I'm pretty sure he could start a war on wit alone.

"Haven't two hundred years of failed missionary work overseas taught anybody anything? You can't convert people to anything - whether religion, or something as inane as our flicks."





 Bill Gates
I believe that he could fix our economic problems and he's just such a damned good guy.

"As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others."






 Tina Fey

She's smart, she's witty and she seems so down to Earth.  I think she would make the best damned speeches of any president ever.  We can just slip her on the ballot looking like Sarah Palin and snag the lunatic vote.

"A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss."



Ice T

It would be ironic to have the original gangsta rapper running the country.  And besides, wouldn't Coco be an awesome First Lady?




 "Never mumble some sarcastic shit to somebody who can obviously fuck you up"



 Stephen Colbert

Anybody who has seen The Colbert Report knows that he has it all figured out and because he is America and so can we!

"In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars."






Eddie Izzard

I know he's British but he's intelligent and hilarious.  I'm pretty sure he could prevent a war using wit alone.  Not to mention that having a straight transvestite in the White House would be a great way to send a message to the "Traditional Marriage" group.

"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!"




Dee Snider
I would find it hilarious to see Dee Snyder, one of the people who spoke at the congressional hearings on censoring heavy metal music, as the most powerful man in America.  And for the few that don't know he is actually quite an intelligent bastard.

"I went for an outrageous form of expressing myself. It seemed to be a way that I could make my name and show that I was somebody."




Gina Carano
For the first ever female president, why not pick someone who can beat the snot out of all of the other leaders.

“When I first came into this sport I was looking around for somebody who had come in before me and had paved the way, and I just didn’t see it at that time. I figured I would do it how I wanted to do it.”





George Carlin
He had solutions to all of our problems and no one in the place to do something ever listened to him.




"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."



Stephen Hawking

Beside the fact that the man is super intelligent, I just want to hear the presidential speeches coming from a computer so we can all get used to it before our computer overlords arrive.  I also think he'd look awesome on a dollar bill.

"I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road."

The Eleventh Ten: Ways for the World to End

A quick note, for the purpose of this list, "World to End" means that humanity is devastated to the point of not being able to recover as a species.  The big hunk of rock will be fine in most of these scenarios.

1 Plague
As medicine has become more and more effective and we have become more virulent with defending ourselves with a new plague, it seems that our hubris would make this a poetic end to the human race.  We've seen recent news stories about "super bugs" that are appearing which are very much sensationalized.  This doesn't mean that it can't or won't happen.  We have been and are stumped by diseases.  Viruses are a particularly dastardly foe that we don't have much defense against.  Antivirals can work but they have to be targeted at a specific virus.  We are in an arms race with bacteria and viruses and eventually we just may lose the war.

2 Asteroid Impact
Many may not be aware that there is a division of NASA that keeps watch on near Earth objects so that we will have some warning that one is coming toward us.  The Near Earth Object Program has catalogued 9074 near earth objects greater than July 19th 2012, 1322 of which are classified as Potentially Hazardous Asteroids.  Luckily we have already formulated plans on how to deal with these objects provided we have enough warning but there is a great deal we don't know about the universe and with NASA spending reduced we are learning even slower than before.  Hopefully, our asteroid drilling crew will be ready when they are needed.

3 Alien Invasion
Many of us love to watch movies involving the invasion of Earth by an alien species.  Movies such as Independence Day, They Live and Signs make us feel like we have a decent chance of defending ourselves if our first encounter is hostile.  Realistically speaking, if an alien race wants to invade our planet and they have made it here from another solar system, their technology or biology will likely be so advanced we won't stand a chance.  Stephen Hawking weight in on this very idea not long ago saying: "To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.  The real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be.  We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet.  I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet.  Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.  If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn't turn out very well for the Native Americans."

4 Zombies
This is my favorite simply because I find zombie fiction so fascinating.  There is something so visceral about life after death being so horrific and painful.  While some may argue that zombies would have fit well under the plague section, I decided to seperate it since zombies do not exist in homo sapiens yet which means we don't know what would actually cause the phenomenon.  In the animal world, there is at least one species of wasp that turns cockroaches into zombies to use as incubators for their eggs.  This makes the idea a little less far fetched than one might initially assume.

5 Super Volcano
Natural cataclysms can include many natural disasters such a super volcanoes, hurricanes and earthquakes.  These various destructive forces are particularly frightening since they are all things we have no defense against outside of running for cover, however; super volcanoes are probably the most frightening.  They are all so immediately possible that it gives one a sense of awe.  There are 6 known super volcanoes located in Yellowstone national park, Long Valley, Valles Caldera, Indonesia, New Zealand and Japan.  Computer models have shown that a super volcano eruption large enough could send the world into a winter similar to a nuclear winter as the sky is filled with ash.  Plants and plankton would die off from a lack of sunshine which would start a falling of the dominoes destroying the food web and eventually leading to our own destruction.

6 War
The human race being the very destroyer of itself is a possiblity many have thought about through history but never before has this become so likely as it is now.  In 1945, we as a race changed the face of the world by detonating the first atomic bomb.  From this point on, we now had the power to raze cities with a single bomb, annihiliating a population in moments.  And we have since made this technology more and more powerful and efficient.  No longer do we need to send a manned crew to do the work, we can do it with an intercontinental missle.  And yet we couldn't stop there either, we develop chemical and biological weapons that could be just as destructive if not even more so.  It almost seems we are hell bent on this particular means of our end to come true.  As Einstein to elequently put it, "I know not what weapons World War III will be fought with but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

7 Reality is not real
Maybe there is not reality.  Just maybe we are all inside of a simulation (i.e. The Matrix) or just the dream of one of us.  Philisophically speaking it is not entirely out of the realm of possibility that nothing we observe is actually real.

8 Artificial Intelligence
As a software developer, I keep a close eye on technological advancements and none fascinates me more than AI.  I would guess that the vast majority of the people who will read this have seen the Terminator and Matrix movies as well as I, Robot where we are outdone by our own technological creations.  Of course in the movies we always win out in the end because we love a happy ending but could we really defeat a cold caclulating foe who had no need for "rules of engagement?"  I believe our attachment to our humanity, which is usually what helps us win in the movies, would be our downfall.  Lucky for us, the chance that we will ever see an AI capable of the feats found in the movies is terribly unlikely.  Sadly, contemporary computer AI has evolved very little since the early days in the mid 1900's.  Certainly our computers have become more powerful and the access to information has become significantly easier, however; an AI passing the Turing test is still not something I can see even on a distant horizon.

9 Mayans
Heck, maybe the crazies aren't so crazy and the Mayan calendar really does end.

10 Divine Intervention
Heck, maybe the crazies aren't so crazy and the Edward Cayce is right.

The Tenth Ten: Fried Foods

1. Beignets: A true Louisiana signature and the single best fried food ever.

2. Fried Pork Chops:  I had these for the first time recently at Dim Sum in Baton Rouge.  I normally don't eat pork chops but when they are deep fried, they are delicious.

3. Cracklins:  Another dish commonly found in Louisiana and something that by description doesn't sound like it would be good.

4. Mozzarella Sticks:  You take an amazing food like mozzarella and you deep fry...genius.

5. Fried Pies:  Hubig pies are one of those delicious memories from my childhood and one of the highlights from 4:00am fishing trips.

6. Monte Cristo Sandwich:  A ham and cheese sandwich (occasionally including turkey) battered and deep fried to perfection then usually served with some sort of sweet dipping sauce makes this heaven in your mouth.

7. Fried Stuff Avocado:  I had this for the first time when visiting some friends in Austin a few years ago.  They take the avocado and mix it with pulled chicken, batter it and deep fry it.

8. Fried Biscuits (a.k.a. Chinese Donuts):  I suppose I have a penchant for fried dough but I loved these as a child.  My mother would bring me to a Chinese buffet and I would only eat sweet and sour chicken and these.

9. Fried Plantains:  I've always enjoyed fried plantains, however; when I had them in Hollywood, FL as fried plantain chips, I was hooked.

10. French Fries:  How could there be a top 10 list of fried foods that didn't include the most basic one.  When done right, they are the food of the gods.

The Ninth Ten: Mondegreens

1. CCR - Bad Moon on the Rise 
Actual Lyric: "There's a bad moon on the rise"
Misheard Lyric: “There’s a bathroom on the right”
I remember hearing this song when I was a kid and my dad telling me that this was the lyric. Eventually I learned the truth but not before I sang it this way many times.

2. Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
Actual Lyric: "Generating steam heat"
Misheard Lyric: “The Generator sees me”
My friend Dave told me this one.  I don't know that I ever realized what the real lyric was but the misheard one is wonderfully out of place in the song.

3. Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven 
Actual Lyric: "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now"
Misheard Lyric: “If there’s a bustle in your hedgehog, don't be alarmed now”
I think a lot of people have heard this lyric incorrectly and I'm willing to bet a lot of people wondered how you go about getting a bustle in your hedgehog.

4. Manfried Mann - Blinded by the Light
Actual Lyric: "Revved up like a deuce"
Misheard Lyric: “Wrapped up like a douche”
Quite a disturbing image in this particular lyric mix-up.  I've heard a lot of people discuss this one.

5. Elton John - "Tiny Dancer"
Actual Lyric: "Hold me closer tiny dancer"
Misheard Lyric: "Hold me closer Tony Danza"
I honestly wonder how many times this request has been made to Tony Danza.

6. Jimi Hendrix - "Purple Haze"
Actual Lyric: "Excuse me, while I kiss the sky"
Misheard Lyric: "Excuse me, while I kiss this guy"
The best part about this often misheard lyric is that Jimi started to sing it this way in concert in jest.  Apparently he would point at his bass player as he sang it.

7. Abba - "Dancing Queen"
Actual Lyric: "See that girl Watch that scene Dig in the dancing queen"
Misheard Lyric: "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen"
This is a much improved song with the alternate lyric.  Everyone go out and kick a dancing queen!

8. Pearl Jam - "Yellow Ledbetter"
Actual Lyric: I'm not really sure
Misheard Lyric: "Anna Nicole's mama said I don't wanna see Anna fall again"
It was truly hard to pick the best misheard lyric from this song since no one but Eddie Vedder really knows what the lyrics are.  And there is a chance even he doesn't know them all. 

9. Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"
Actual Lyric: "I ain't no hollaback girl"
Misheard Lyric: "I ain't no Harlem black girl"
The implications of this lyric being misheard and mis-sung are hilarious. 

10. Outkast - "Hey Ya"
Actual Lyric: "Shake it like a polaroid"
Misheard Lyric: "Shake it like a polar bear ninja"
The thought of a polar bear ninja is far too much humor to be contained.